Diaries From a Different Life Pt. 2

Names and places have been changed to protect the author and those mentioned.

Friday, August 13, 2010/1:52 a.m.

Life with a musician gets pretty hectic. And painful. In the last few weeks, I’ve done nothing but what feels like drinking and staying up all night. Which I know for a fact is what I used to do anyway but just this last week my internal organs feel severely abused. That’s why I decided to stay home this week. Things leading up to Chase’s birthday didn’t help things get any less hectic either.

Anyway, my parents are coming home today. I am really stoked to have my mom home again.

2:34 a.m.

So, maybe I’ve known this about myself for a while, but never have I been more understanding about it until now: I am a needy, needy little girl. I hate to be alone. I feel almost completely helpless when I am alone. And I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone who has to leave me almost on a weekly basis (when I chose to, or couldn’t go with him). But lately, it seems I am becoming more attached to Chase than necessary. I’d been doing so well it felt like. I’d been keeping myself satisfied and occupied whenever he had to go out of town. But then he comes back once after being away for a month and since then we’ve been together. Now, he goes away for any more than a night or two, and I get so upset. I try not to show it, though even he can notice when most of my neediness comes out, and then I just get lonely. Much more than usual. The worst is when he comes back and my neediness is so bad that no matter how tired he is I just NEED him to pay attention to me, no excuses allowed. Why am I like this? I should be way more understanding and let him rest and take care of him. But I’m so selfish that I need him to be near me and take care of me whether or not how tired he is, no matter how long he’s been away. This has always been my flaw and I’m concerned that this might be a big part of why my past relationships didn’t work out. But now I’m actually married. So I really have to work on this. Especially being more independent since he’s always away. I’m just lucky that he actually does cater to my neediness and he does take care of me no matter how tired he is sometimes. I’m really lucky. That never happened in any of my last relationships — obviously.

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