How I Overcame My Anxiety of Workout Classes and Learned to Dance.

Moving, Shaking, and Bending My Way Through PTSD.

Five years ago, I started to take yoga classes as a way of exploring my body.

I felt stiff and disconnected. I was starting to realize that I had trauma issues. Certain poses caused me to have panic attacks (Camel in particular) and I was looking to clear up the fog that existed between my brain and body.

I watched others and their fluidity, their connection — their ability to say this hurts today, this feels good, this feels bad — and I felt jealous. I didn’t understand how to connect to how my own body felt.

Dancing and music always appealed to me. I copied Shakira’s moves in secret as a child…I could belly roll and almost nobody knew. Secret dancing made me feel happy and free, but I felt embarrassed to let anyone see me.

Even now, I still feel embarrassed.

I emailed the head of a belly dance studio in New York City and offered to help out with classes in exchange for taking them for free.

For anyone who has anxiety issues, this may resonate.

In a yoga class, there was always a chance that I would have to be up front. I needed to be in the back and near the door. I couldn’t have anyone see me. It was more than just being self-conscious…I felt afraid. I didn’t want to be snuck up on.

I had hyper-vigilance due to my PTSD. I didn’t want to feel like someone was going to do something behind me. I didn’t want to feel like I would cause a scene if I had to leave. I wanted to move and learn, but I didn’t want to be seen, be trapped, be surprised, be touched.

But when I was assisting a class, I was working…which meant I could dip out of the class whenever I started to feel that pressure. It meant I always had to be in the back, by the door, in case someone new came in and I had to sign them up, in case I had to get a spare radio or cable, or in case someone had a question and I had to talk to them outside.

And this was great. I was learning, but when the pressure was too high, I could leave. I could claim I had to check the schedule to see when the next class was. I could claim someone was out there who needed directions…even if it wasn’t true.

This was always a problem when I was taking a class. I was expected to stay in there the whole time. I felt trapped. My anxiety flared up and then I couldn’t experience being in my body. I felt like I was in danger.

While I have taken some trauma-informed classes, I think it’s difficult for many teachers to really understand that some students literally don’t feel safe in a classroom, and they never will…and it’s okay. They seem to take it personally if you aren’t.

Especially in yoga classes, there’s an expectation to completely relax. To close your eyes. To trust. And how can I trust a room full of strangers? Asking me to do that is a big ask. It works against my nature. If I try to do that just because a teacher says so, then I’m masking my feelings. I’m not actually relaxing.

I’m people-pleasing. And that’s the opposite of truly relaxing and being myself. If I’m not comfortable with what you’re asking me to do, and I force myself to do it, I’m making my own trauma worse.

The way I re-enter and experience my body is not going to be what the dance or yoga instructor expects, necessarily. And it’s fine. It’s my journey.

Being an assistant to a class was a big help. I began to learn what to expect. I began to push myself at a pace I felt was safe. I became comfortable leaving the room during class, so that even when I was a student, I could go to the bathroom and not feel self-conscious.

I think the freedom to disobey was the greatest gift I learned.

If there’s something I don’t want to do, I don’t do it…and I’m fine with that now. I modify poses and moves so it’s something I’m more comfortable with. I don’t push myself to go deeper if I feel panic. I can assert myself better. I don’t mind being called out, and ignoring it.

No, I won’t close my eyes — You’ll live.

Now, with online classes, there is even less pressure. One can literally turn off their screen if they don’t want to be seen. As someone with anxiety, I love this option. I can move without being watched, or I can opt to be seen.

Owning my body and how I move it was the first step. My body became my own. I decided what to do, where to go, and when. If I signed up for a class, it’s because I wanted to be there. If a class was too forceful or insistent, it wasn’t for me.

I’m not looking for a workout where someone yells at me, because then I’ll just obey and disassociate, which is not my goal.

My goal is to feel.

my links ❤

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