This is Bipolar Mania

Imagine feeling on top of the world. Energy has no end. Your perception of life is colorful and vibrant. Light shines down on you. Joy is exhilarating. People are drawn towards you. They love you. You love them. Every single thing that happens, happens for a reason. In fact, it’s the will of a higher power. Ideas come to you from everything you experience. The ideas spring forth a wealth of actions that you don’t question. You just do, without even thinking about it. Consequences be damned! The world is your oyster. You don’t need to question your decisions, for you are god-like. Everything has been set in front of you, like an inheritance that has finally passed down for you to claim. You are creating life. You are creating a masterpiece.

This must be the time of your life. How can a time of sheer happiness and joy be wrong? From the time of your birth, you’ve been groomed to seek after a life of happiness. Why should anyone question it?

Suddenly the exhilaration of the moment comes to a grinding halt. It’s as if you woke up from a dream. You look around you. Were you sleepwalking during that scintillating dream? Deafening silence eludes you. You stare at the debris you created whilst walking during your blissful sleep. In truth, your bliss was a farce; an image created in your mind. It was only a dream. It was only a dream. You opened Pandora’s box. The realization of this is frightening. For this may happen again, you remind yourself. Your better judgment will be lost again despite any method of self-control.

Relationships have suffered. Large amounts of money have been spent. Things purchased that you didn’t need. Problems created that will take years to solve. Poor decisions that will stick with you until your last dying breath. Destruction is everywhere. Only you are to blame.

This is bipolar mania.

You can try every method to remain stable. Take your medications religiously. Go to every psychiatric appointment. Participate in regular therapy. Reduce the triggering stress levels in your life. It doesn’t matter. Mania can only be tamed. The beast will always be present. It is only a matter of time before it decides to snap its reins and run without abandon.

You apologize endlessly. You regret everything you’ve done. You want to rewind the clock with the knowledge of the first mistake you made. You tell everyone that you’ve learned a huge lesson. You pacify them this way, with the knowledge that this beast will someday come back again.

But the cruelest lesson you learn is that you must monitor your own feelings of happiness. Any sign of it makes you suspicious. Having crawled out of the depths of depression, you start to feel sweet recovery; you feel whole again. But in a couple of months time, you start to feel energetic and joyful. Unlike the rest of the world, you become scared of your happiness. You try not to be so happy. A call to the psychiatrist is made because you feel that your elated emotions are a potential problem. It isn’t a blessing. It is a sickness. I must be responsible. I must be responsible…you repeat to yourself.

Thus is the plight of the manic depressive; a never-ending cycle of monitoring one’s emotions. At least, that is the most responsible way. Mania is both a blessing and a curse. Ascending to the tops of heaven, then tumbling recklessly to the depths of the sea.

Related posts:

When we want to simplify our way of life, we include some rules. Some boundaries. With these, we free ourselves of some choices. We do not have to decide on a few things. We simply follow the rules…

US retail sales fell for the first time in seven months in September, which is caused by the fears that manufacturing-led weakness was spreading to the broader economy. I get the impression from this…

Throughout the history of dance it’s clearly seen that there has always been an ‘image’ as to what the “perfect dancer body” needs to uphold. For females there’s this idea that they need to be tall…